Entry #23

"For if it's Ka, it'll come like a wind, and your plans will stand before it no more than my da's barn stood before the cyclone when it came"

---Pat Delgado, The Dark Tower


Does anyone ever wish they could peer into the future, just so they know how it's going to pan out for you in the end? I do. If I could that, then I know I could stop worrying about where my direction in life is going. I'll know when I fuck up and how I fuck up, and then I can plan to avoid it. I'd appreciate the safety it would give me and not have to lay awake at night terrified about what am I gonna do in the morning, when I have to get up to life, my life, and take responsibility for every single little action I make and the significance and purpose behind every action. Being an adult is horrible. What good does it do to anyone to be one? You spend your remaining years as a tired world weary arsehole with very little to backup the justification of your existence, and you're given an equal amount of very little to show for it.

I'm on the way out of education. I've got another year perhaps left on my course at University and that's it, I'm out into the real world. Some would call it an exciting adventure. I find it hard to agree with that sentiment. I'm more terrified than excited. It makes want to deliberately fail and repeat my course just buy myself some time to be ready to leave and be a responsible every day working adult. I have all how can anyone do it, and how it can it be possible to do it well even? I feel like now this the time when I REALLY learn how to walk, and standing on your own two feet is not easy when your holding the weight of the world on your shoulders, and your only true support is you.

All I ever want to know if that I'm going to be safe. That I'm going to be okay. I want to look into my future and know it's gonna be alright.